Hope

I haven’t exactly been very good as far as writing is concerned… I’m finding it a bit difficult because I talk to Master every day about everything – anything that concerns me or makes me happy I tell him so I don’t really know what to write about.

I’ve been applying for lots & lots of jobs the passed couple of days & Master even told me to send my CV to a lady he knows who has a recruitment agency. She said that there’s nothing at the moment but she’ll keep her eyes & ears open. She’s also given my CV to her hubby who works for the Jhb Bar Society of Advocates.

Today, however, I was on CareerJunction today & saw that 1 of the vacancies for an afrikaans-speaking typist for a law firm was posted by the lady Master told me to send my CV to. So I quickly emailed her to tell her that I’m bilingual so she could put me forward for the position. She seems quite positive that there’s a chance for me because she even asked if I would be in Jhb anytime soon so she can maybe organise an interview.

I’m so excited about the whole thing, it’d be a perfect opportunity for me to sort out my life. I only have Master to thank for it – if He hadn’t come into my life, I’d still just be plodding along…

I had to ask Him to help me today – I don’t have enough money to make it to the end of the month. I didn’t have anyone else to ask… I don’t think He realises how much it means to me that He’s prepared to help me.

He’s already helped me in more ways than I can comprehend. I’m more positive, I believe that I can have what I desire & that is a life with Him.

It will happen!

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Longing

Every since I’ve known that I will be staying with Master when we head up to Jo’burg, I have been unable to wait for the time to pass so I can get up there & just be with Him. I think Him about all the time, He’s the first thing I think of when I wake up…

I went out, was hit on by a couple of guys & all I could do was think how none of them could ever compare to Him! I’m still fascinated by the fact that I feel so strongly about it him. I know I keep talking about it but it’s an amazing feeling.

I just want to be near Him, to feel Him, to hear His voice – just to feel his presence near me.

I know I need to be patient but it’s really hard because this is something I that I really want. Master says that I mustn’t worry, it’s just the longing and the loneliness talking, that I know I belong and carry Him in my heart & there are good times ahead. I believe Him but it’s hard to change my old way of thinking & worrying. I know it won’t get me anywhere, all it’s brought me in the past is pain (and not the good kind)!

I want to be the best I can for Him but to do that, I need to change. I know that He’ll help me & guide me through it…

I did a lot of reading again today – checking out some of the threads in the different groups on FetLife… There were a couple that I spent a while on, reading what everyone’s different opinions are. 2 that really stood out are the discussion about the intensity of feeling in a M/s relationship compared to a vanilla one & the second one was about being an online slave.

The discussion regarding intensity of feeling & the speed at which it develops was good to read. I now know that I’m not the only one who has experienced it! The one post spoke about something called a “sub frenzy” where a new sub is basically so happy to have found their “role” that they just throw themselves at the first available Dom/Master who is prepared to take them on without checking the situation properly first… I thought about it for a good while and came to the conclusion that, while it may have some relevance to me, it’s not the basis of what I have with my Master. I didn’t contact Him with the specific intent of throwing myself at Him, just to get to know Him better because His profile intrigued me and it just developed from there. He has also made sure, & still is, that this is really what I want…

The 2nd one about being an online slave was interesting for me since, at this moment, that’s technically what I am. Some people are of the opinion that it’s just role play & how does one know if the slave is actually doing
what they’re told etc., etc… Others share the same pov that I do – that just because it’s OL doesn’t make it less real! Sure, there are people who it’s just a game for but there are people like that in real life too, vanilla or not… I do everything my Master asks me because, for me, this is very real & I want to please Him.

It’s not easy because I want to be there with Him & not hundred of kms away but do I just give up because of it? No, I can’t – He’s so good to me & we have already put plans in motion for me to be able to be with Him… It may not happen as soon as I’d like but it’s a lesson in patience. In the mean time, I’ll just enjoy the “OL” attention that I get & do as I am told…

It was very interesting to get others’ perspective on all I was reading about…

On another subject, KK has suggested I approach Jamie to be a promoter for Red Door in an attempt to get more bands to play here in Pmb… He said he’d put me in touch with all the bands he knows (a fairly large amount) so I’ll have some more contacts. As far as he’s concerned it’s also something I could do from Jhb as long as I have a phone & internet access. So I’ll hopefully chat to him tomorrow again & see precisely what the whole thing would entail… Good music is basically my life so perhaps a job in the “music industry” is what I need – even if it’s just a “sideline”!

Relocation

Last night at home, there was a serious discussion about everybody (Caz, Carmz & Tamz) all relocating to Jozi… All I could do was smile so Caz said “I take it you’d join us?”… I didn’t tell them that I’ve been considering it for a while but said that I’d have no problems.

They know about my Master but not all the details. I’m not quite sure how they’d react if they knew the full story. I don’t think they’d have a problem but still just a little nervous. Sandra keeps telling me that she’s able to see a difference in me for the better so I think once they can see how good He is for me & to me, they’ll be alright with it. Besides they don’t need to know the full details – what I do in my time away from them is my business!

But I felt I had to tell my Master about the discussion, so I did and He said it seemed interesting. I asked Him when He thought would be a good time to start checking things out and He said always is a good time! I started looking at all the sites that advertise jobs, found one that I told Master I could apply for & He said go for it so I’m now waiting to see if anything comes of it… There were a few others that I applied for as well, one of which has a salary of between R20 – R30k! It’d be amazing if I could manage to get that one since it’d pretty much sort out all my financial issues.

I’m scared to talk directly to Him about it in case He decides that it would be too much effort to deal with a slave that’s got money issues… But I also know that I can’t keep any secrets from Him either! Maybe I should just tell Him & let the chips fall where they may?

I sent Him the list of what I’m prepared to do today. There’s so much that I don’t know about that all I could do was send a list of the things I know about & am prepared to do for Him. When I asked Him about it all yesterday, to give me an indication of what he enjoys so I could say yea or nay, He just said I must tell him what I would do & the rest can be negotiated when we get to that point. No pressure… Never any pressure to rush things, He just let’s me carry on at my own pace which is amazing!

I also told Him that I love Him – it’s odd for me to be able to say that after such a short period of time but it’s an amazing feeling! Especially since He didn’t run screaming for the hills which would be the reaction I’m used to… It’s incredible knowing that He actually cares about me – just me for who & what I am.

“just focus on what we have and make that stronger. the world as you knew it is now behind you and we move forward with your new life. The old way of thinking must be discarded as it has only caused you hurt and pain and will continue to do so if you revert back to it. you life in service to Me is the most beautiful and real thing imaginable.” That’s what he told me when I said I was worried that things would get harder. I think it’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me… I’d relocate to Timbuktu for Him if I had to!

He definitely has my heart & soul on a leash & I’m cherishing every moment.

This is the new…

Aside

This is the new journal that I will write in every day as originally requested by my Master… I did start one previously but was unable to access it on my phone so I asked Him if it would be ok to do it on here. I only discovered today that He actually commented on the 3 entries that I had made – makes me feel so special that He actually did read them, shows me that this isn’t a big joke or game to Him!

All I want to do is tell the whole world that I belong to Him and to nobody else. If I could be there with Him, right now, I wouldn’t hesitate! I’m still trying to get used to the fact that He is interested in me, that I can chat to Him almost anytime I want to. I do still get worried when I say something and he doesn’t reply but I know that He has another life that doesn’t revolve around me and I try not to panic.
The strength of feeling that I have for Him really is unexpected and it keeps getting stronger. I feel so alive but so nervous that I might do something to upset Him at the same time. All he does is patiently tell me not to worry…

He has seriously become the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning & the last thing that I think of before I go to sleep, never mind the fact that I think about him continuously throughout the day. I am literally counting down the days until the Jo’burg trip like a kid before a birthday or xmas.

My life is still as complicated as ever, trying to pay bills with money I don’t really have but I find that I am no longer as stressed about it. It will all come right in the end. With my Master giving me the right guidance, as only He can, I will sort every thing out.

I figure that most of my family would probably have a heart attack if they knew what was happening but I haven’t ever worried about what they think before so it’ll just be another reason for them to say that I am not right in the head! I don’t see why anybody has the right to judge that which makes somebody else happy. If they are happy with their little vanilla existences, I’m not going to begrudge them so why can they not just be happy for me? They judge the nose-ring, they judge the tattoos & I really just don’t care anymore.
I was supposed to send Him a list of my hard & soft limits last week already but I keep neglecting to do it so now, I am going to do as am told… Image