Holidays

Well, christmas has come & gone once more & I have once again been bad & neglected my writing…

I spent the holidays with my son who lives with his dad’s parents – the reason for that is another story altogether & definitely not this blog… Safe to say, there’s been a far amount of drama that resulted in it.

Fortunately his grandparents & I decided that the best thing for my son would be for us to put aside our differences so there has been a truce since about this time last year. I find I “fit in” with them better than I do my own family but I’m always on my guard not to do anything they may decide to use against me – once bitten, twice shy, if you will…

Christmas was good, it’s always good to spend time with people you care about but for me, this year, there seemed to be somebody missing. I am really looking forward to spending christmas-time with my Master. I have a feeling that it will be one of the most special times.

Being here with my son has been fantastic but I sort of feel like I have neglected my Master. He knows & understands that I have family responsibilities, just as He also does but I feel that I haven’t done enough for Him. So hopefully today, if she’s in a better mood, my friend, who stays on the property here with my son & his grandparents, will help me take some photographs to send to my Master. She’s a sub as well & is therefore the only person who would understand the context of the photos.

I really hope she’s not going to be in one of her moods again today because otherwise I won’t be able to do a thing! I’m hoping to head “home” either today or tomorrow since I don’t want to overstay my welcome… So, fingers crossed!

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I’m at home all alone as usual tonight. Which is not a problem, really but what is a problem for me at the moment is that I am incredibly horny.

I want to feel my Master’s hands on my body, His fingers digging into my flesh… “Why is this a problem?” you might ask – well, my Master is currently rather far away. I am aching to feel His teeth as He bites me & teases me, gripping my hair. I want Him to use me as He pleases. I want to offer myself to Him as completely as I can.

Yes, I am allowed to ask my Master if I may have some “playtime” so to speak, but it’s not what I want! I’m afraid that I am being selfish – I shouldn’t want so much from Him. I can’t seem to get enough of Him.

All I want is to please Him & although I’m sure that He would say something if it angered Him, I worry that I come across as too needy. Is it possible to try too hard?

I was hoping that getting this off my chest would help release some “tension” but it looks like I will still be asking my Master for some playtime, imagining His touch on my body until the time I am fortunate enough to feel it again.

Drunk & Disorderly

I should have posted this yesterday already but I am afraid I wasn’t really in any condition too…

I went to a braai with my friends & housemates – haven’t been out with them or really interacted with them much recently so it was nice &, for once, there was only minimal drama. Since I don’t really drink all that often, it doesn’t take much for me to get a little tipsy…

All was going well until we had 2 uninvited guests. Both married men who like to think they’ve still got what it takes! The one was well-behaved this time but the other one, unfortunately, was not.

Even though he is aware of the fact that I am involved with someone else, he wouldn’t leave me alone. He kept trying to hang all over me & to touch me. He even tried to pull me by my collar! I was not amused. I really wished that my Master was there…

It got to the point where one of my friends & I decided to pretend that we were giving the lesbian lifestyle a try since our other 2 friends look so happy together… It didn’t work but luckily they didn’t stay much longer.

I, in my slightly inebriated state, then decided that I actually wouldn’t mind a little play-time with my friend! I even sent a picture of us to my Master & told Him about how we had to kiss each other to avoid the asshole trying to kiss both of us at the same time.

It wasn’t a proper kiss & I found myself wishing it had been more… My Master said I should try again to which I replied that I would when we had more to drink! I’m not sure if it’s fortunately or unfortunately but I never got around to it since I came home because I had to work today.

I’d say fortunately because I didn’t make a fool of myself. I feel it would’ve been easier to handle possible rejection if it was from someone I don’t ever have to see again, if that makes sense? I think it would’ve been very awkward afterwards. Unfortunately, because I would really like to have at least kissed her properly – even my Master said she’s pretty.

That unfortunately sparked another emotion altogether! My Master calls me His pretty girl so the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head but I kept it in check as best I could.

I know that it’s something I am really going to have to work on. I haven’t met any of my sister slaves yet. I know that my Master will introduce us when He feels we are ready but I am curious to meet the others & see what aspect they bring to my Master’s family. It’s not going to be easy but I will accept them.

If it’s what my Master wishes, then I will accept His decision.

Separation Anxiety & Jealousy

Ok, so I had 2 days without WhatsApp contact with my Master – the nights were the worst really. First, the networking was screwing around & I had no data signal and, then, my WhatsApp itself decided to crash…

So I deleted it. It seemed like a good idea at the time but then it wouldn’t reinstall! I just about had a heart attack… I had this sort of hollow anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. That, added to the fact that I had still not heard about the job yet, did not make me a happy camper yesterday.

Master told me not to worry, the WhatsApp would come right (which it did but only at 5am this morning) but said I should phone them about the job.

It was a little disappointing to be told they haven’t made their decision yet, it’s on hold until the New Year but it was also good to hear that I am still on the short list! So there’s still a very good chance I’ll be with my Master permanently in the very near future.

I know that I haven’t spent that much time with Him but I still feel sort of lost when I’m not near Him. I know I have nothing to fear but I am, unfortunately, a bit of a worry-wart for lack of a better way of putting it.

I’m rather sad that I’m not sure when I’ll get to see Him again. I’d love to see Him before the New Year but that’s not going to happen since He already has guests that are coming to stay.

I don’t want Him to be angry with me but I’m actually feeling a little selfish, to tell the truth. I’d love to have Him all to myself. I don’t exactly relish the fact that I have to “share” Him but He is my Master and I will do whatever I must to please Him & make Him proud to own me.

The Marks of Ownership

A few days ago I spoke to my Master about the “rings” mentioned in the list of Rules He sent to me & asked Him whether or not I was correct in assuming it was referred to nipple rings. When He said yes, I told Him that I’d love to have my nipples pierced.

I don’t need any reminders that I am collared & owned but I really want to have it done, along with having my pussy pierced as well – just further confirmation that I belong to Him & only Him.

I will even have a tattoo or a brand marking myself as His. I wear His collar every day & only remove it when I bath or shower. When I forgot to put it back on when I was rushing around getting ready for my last trip to Jo’burg, I felt naked… And I was so ashamed to tell Him that I had left it behind! He should really have given me a damn good hiding but He forgave me.

I will wear whatever marks of ownership – permanent or temporary – that He chooses to give me with the greatest pride! The more He gives me, the happier I will be…

Withdrawals

I’m really missing my Master this evening. I’d love nothing better than to be sitting at His feet, to feel His hand on my shoulder, to know that He’s nearby…

I miss Him so much it’s like a physical ache when I think of Him touching me. Master said I must be having withdrawals – a very appropriate way of describing it although I would also compare it to having been aroused to a point where all you want is release but you are then denied… Sweet torture…

I actually can’t wait to see Him again. Not knowing when I will is sort of driving me nuts – and so is waiting to hear about the job! I’m just too shy to ask Him, a little nervous because I don’t want to seem demanding. I’ll just wait to find out. I would, however, absolutely be over the moon if I could see Him in the very near future.

Even better would be for me to not have to leave again when I see Him again! I really wish they would just let me know about the job either way – yes: I’ll be able to start the process of the move or No: I’ll start applying for other posts again.

I really want to be near enough to Him to serve Him properly as often as I may be allowed like I am supposed to. I sometimes worry a little that He might get tired of me – like the others seemed all to do – then I realise He isn’t like the others. I feel I am truly lucky to have Him…

Thoughts, Needs & Wants

I’m so bad at doing this, have posted anything for ages – Master told me on Friday that it’s journal time & it’s now Sunday already… I have no problem doing anything else He asks me to but putting my thoughts into words is hard for some reason. I know it’s something that I need to do but I battle with it.

I think one of the reasons I find it difficult to write my thoughts down is that I seem to jump from topic to topic – so many things racing around my head that it often seems to me that it might not make sense to anyone else!
Well, here goes, I guess…

I saw Master again 2 weekends ago for a short time because I had another interview to go to. The telephonic one was unsuccessful but this one seemed to go very well & I was told I’d know the answer by the 15th – the waiting & not knowing is driving me nuts! I’m doing the best I can to stay positive but it’s not easy… All I want to do is be with Him – to please Him in every way I can & enjoy the way He makes me feel!

It is a little easier now that I have recently discovered that a friend of my son’s paternal family (well, she’s my friend as well haha) is also involved in the BDSM scene. I kind of suspected it because of few little signs but wasn’t sure. It’s been so nice to talk to her & her boyfriend who is her Dom/Master since they understand. She & I just sort of clicked when we met & it’s now quite funny to realise just how much we have in common.

I will never discuss in detail precisely what Master & I might do but being able to discuss the need I have to submit to Him, & not have her look at me like I am crazy, is great. She said to me that she can also see a difference in me & is happy that I have found someone who understands the needs I have.

One thing I have definitely realised is that I need to submit, to please someone – it’s not just something that I want to do, I NEED to do it . Looking back at past relationships, I can see how I gave myself completely but it was never appreciated properly for what it was. My Master, being who & what He is, understands my need &, because He appreciates it, makes my need to submit to Him & to please Him all the more intense.

There are even a few things that I would never have considered allowing someone else to do to me before that I can’t wait to experience with Him. I had experience with my ex-husband that left me very hesitant to try anything like it again. The ex wanted me to try anal & promised that if I said stop, he would do so. He didn’t even though I was screaming that he was really hurting me. I bled for a couple of days, so much so that I was wondering whether I might need stitches… Since then, if anybody has even touched me anywhere near my ass I panicked!

Now, I have started trying to sort of prepare myself to try anal again with my Master. I just want to make sure that I am able to please Him in every way possible & I know that me willingly allowing Him to do this to me, especially after having explained my feelings about it, would make Him happy. Not sure if my “preparations” are actually going to work very well though – my little vibrator is a lot smaller than my Master’s cock!

All I want to do is make Him happy & proud to say that I am His slave… He’s the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.