Ecstasy & Agony

I know that these two words are usually used in the opposite order – for example, the spanking and caning I got from Master on Friday night and the needle play that Master gave me permission to allowed me do on Saturday night when my Sister and I went to a play party without Him … Exquisite pain (the agony) followed by an awesome feeling of euphoria (the ecstasy).

Physical pain for me is incredible, something I really do enjoy although my threshold is not as high as I would like it to be yet. Emotional pain? Definitely not so much, especially with me being a rather soft-hearted person although some of it is self-inflicted due to over-thinking things.

So the weekend was great (rope play, beautiful blue-purple bruises on my butt from the spanking and caning on Friday, getting to meet Master’s son and going to the play party with my Sister) and then the first two days of this week were a little hectic as far as work has been concerned. This post would most likely have been really positive had I posted on Monday as I had been hoping to.

Master has asked me to “source” some young ladies who might join us in play – us being mostly my Sister and I but I am sure that He would most likely join in at some time. They may even become members of our family. I wasn’t sure where to start so He suggested that I look at certain websites that cater for BDSM, like the one I met Him through and some others. I went onto the one I met him on and started looking.

Going through the profiles of all the ladies that I think He would be interested in, I started feeling more and more despondent about myself and my situation. “What if He likes her more than me?”; “She’s so gorgeous! Why bother with me when He can have her?!”; “What if she is a better slave than me?”

It felt like I had been stabbed straight through the heart and I didn’t know what to do. I know that these thoughts call His judgement about choosing me as His slave into question and it’s not the right thing for me to do but He is also able to decide that He no longer requires my services for whatever reason. It’s not an issue of jealousy as I knew from the start that there would most likely be others added to our family and I will be happy as long as I am still able to serve Him.

The thought of Him releasing me from service again terrifies me to the bone, to the point where I feel like I am about to have a complete panic attack. I don’t know if I should tell Him about this and how do I tell Him, if I should? I don’t want turn into “the needy clingy girl no one really likes” as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts which I made after reading a post from My Little Known Truth where she so eloquently expressed what I couldn’t put into words.

I know I am repeating myself or maybe being melodramatic but the best part of a day for me is when Master calls me His girl or says something like “That’s My girl!” and I don’t know if I would cope if that didn’t happen anymore…