Well, once again it has been a while since my last post…
While my wonderful work situation has most definitely contributed to this with me simply not having the time to do it or worse, being so tired that I have not even wanted to contemplate having to physically express any of my thoughts or feelings. The last “reason”, in my opinion, shows me the lack of dedication that I have shown my Master the past few weeks (my contact with Him has also been terribly lacking). I am very fortunate that He has been understanding and forgiving but I am also aware that there will be some form of punishment when I get to see Him next weekend as there is a lesson I need to learn regarding sacrifice – no matter how tired I am, I should at least make some effort to communicate with Him.
I am not looking forward to the punishment, I don’t even know what it will be. What I do know is that I am already punishing myself for disappointing Him. The voices in my head have been constantly telling me that I am a terrible slave, I don’t deserve to be His or to receive His understanding for neglecting Him due to work – because according to the voices, that is exactly what I have been doing, neglecting Him regardless of the fact that work has “gotten in the way”…
I know that this is a self-defeating process since, who am I to continue punishing myself when He has seen fit to forgive me for the neglect – basically calling His decision into question which I know would definitely anger Him and that is something I do not want to do.
All I want to do is make Him happy and I will accept my punishment with grace but can someone please tell how to make the voices stop?
I know that these two words are usually used in the opposite order – for example, the spanking and caning I got from Master on Friday night and the needle play that Master gave me permission to allowed me do on Saturday night when my Sister and I went to a play party without Him … Exquisite pain (the agony) followed by an awesome feeling of euphoria (the ecstasy).
Physical pain for me is incredible, something I really do enjoy although my threshold is not as high as I would like it to be yet. Emotional pain? Definitely not so much, especially with me being a rather soft-hearted person although some of it is self-inflicted due to over-thinking things.
So the weekend was great (rope play, beautiful blue-purple bruises on my butt from the spanking and caning on Friday, getting to meet Master’s son and going to the play party with my Sister) and then the first two days of this week were a little hectic as far as work has been concerned. This post would most likely have been really positive had I posted on Monday as I had been hoping to.
Master has asked me to “source” some young ladies who might join us in play – us being mostly my Sister and I but I am sure that He would most likely join in at some time. They may even become members of our family. I wasn’t sure where to start so He suggested that I look at certain websites that cater for BDSM, like the one I met Him through and some others. I went onto the one I met him on and started looking.
Going through the profiles of all the ladies that I think He would be interested in, I started feeling more and more despondent about myself and my situation. “What if He likes her more than me?”; “She’s so gorgeous! Why bother with me when He can have her?!”; “What if she is a better slave than me?”
It felt like I had been stabbed straight through the heart and I didn’t know what to do. I know that these thoughts call His judgement about choosing me as His slave into question and it’s not the right thing for me to do but He is also able to decide that He no longer requires my services for whatever reason. It’s not an issue of jealousy as I knew from the start that there would most likely be others added to our family and I will be happy as long as I am still able to serve Him.
The thought of Him releasing me from service again terrifies me to the bone, to the point where I feel like I am about to have a complete panic attack. I don’t know if I should tell Him about this and how do I tell Him, if I should? I don’t want turn into “the needy clingy girl no one really likes” as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts which I made after reading a post from My Little Known Truth where she so eloquently expressed what I couldn’t put into words.
I know I am repeating myself or maybe being melodramatic but the best part of a day for me is when Master calls me His girl or says something like “That’s My girl!” and I don’t know if I would cope if that didn’t happen anymore…
Something has been on my mind for a while – it shouldn’t have been because I have my Master now and it may make me sound like a hypocrite…
I have been curious as to why the ex was sooo happy to get rid of me – even encouraging me to “follow my dream” by moving to Johannesburg, leaving him behind. Well, thank you, FB and WhatsApp for showing me today! WhatsApp profile picture: him and some other woman – we had been together for approximately 2 years, living together for about 1 and all I had to show for it was 2 photographs of the two of us together which never got displayed as anything. While I know that life does not revolve around WhatsApp and FB, it made me feel like like he was ashamed to let people know that I was his significant other and that hurt like hell.
So, next up… The FB status: “A good guy will tell you you’re beautiful. A real gentleman will make you believe it!!!!” Comment from the other woman: “Thanks for being a real gentlemen and treating me like a Princess x” As for “Princess”? She wouldn’t know a “real gentleman” if one slapped her on the ass!
I did not go looking for this info but when someone sends you a message for your birthday, you read it and if you’re like me, you notice things like profile pictures – I am a visual person *shrug*. And FB? FB has this terrible thing called a news feed… Which I am now going to edit so I can remove things I don’t want/need to see – didn’t know that you could do this *lol*
While all this has made me incredibly angry, it has also shown me how fortunate I am to have Master in my life. Although I am broken, He has seen beauty and potential in me and, through my service to Him, He will help to grow these things so I can be the person He sees hidden inside me. I will do my best – yes, I will stumble and fall at times – to make sure that He is proud to call me His slave…
I was privileged to spend last weekend with my Master and I was able to experience a number of “firsts”.
On Friday, I got meet my sister slave in a way I never expected to meet anyone. We were both blindfolded and unaware that there was someone else in the house besides Master. He then guided the two of us through a very intense introduction. There were 3 firsts involved in this for me – the blindfold, the sexual intimacy with another woman as well sexual intimacy that involved more than 2 people. The three of us then went to play pool and have a couple of drinks. I really enjoyed spending time with both my sister slave and our Master – nice to be able to speak to people who understand where I am coming from.
Sister had to work on Saturday so Master and I spent most of the day just lounging around – I was so happy to be able to be in His presence. When Sister returned, we started getting ready for another first for me which was going to a Play Party. I was very nervous but Sister and Master both helped me choose what to wear. Sister also said that she would look after me and Master would NEVER let anyone take advantage of me.
It was very interesting seeing other people play in real life as opposed to just seeing photographs and I met some interesting people. What was fantastic about it, was that nobody made me feel like I was unwelcome – although with Master being who He is and as well known as He is, I don’t think anyone would dare.
I experienced proper rope play for the first time as well as receiving my first public spanking. I know Master went easy on me as I saw what He did to the friend who had convinced Him to attend the party – He hasn’t been to one for a long time. Even though He went easy on me, I still had some nice bruises on my ass – not as spectacular as the ones He inflicted on His friend but I will get there eventually. I asked Master permission to add her on FB as I don’t really know anyone in the lifestyle besides Him and Sister in person. She has been in the lifestyle for about 10 years and I feel that there is a lot that I can learn from her that will help me please Master and He gave me His consent. I now have her on WhatsApp as well and she has said that she will gladly answer any questions that I may have.
I want to know as much as possible so that Master will be as proud to call me His slave as I am to have been chosen to be His slave.
Wow… It’s over a year since I was on here last!
Due to various circumstances, one of which was me getting involved with my ex again – yes, I know this is never a good idea – my Master released me from service. I thought I was happily involved but yeah, thought is the operative word. I still found myself longing for the instruction and discipline of someone who understood my needs. I tried introducing my ex to the “softer” side of bdsm but it simply wasn’t in him. Anyway, we dated for just over a year, until 4 days before Valentine’s Day, he decided it was over.
I had still been in contact via FB with my Master regarding various different things (non-bdsm related) and asked if it would be alright if we got together for coffee since I would be in Jo’burg occasionally because of work. He agreed and my heart soared at the thought of being able to just have a cup of coffee with Him. Conversation continued to a point where I told Him that I found it hard to think of Him in any other way besides “my Master” and He agreed that we could give it another try, warning me that He is wiser and stricter. I am doing my best to follow the instructions that He has given me – I am still learning and sometimes my job has a tendency to make things difficult but things will be much better as soon as I can get that under control. I will do everything possible to make sure that He is proud of me.
Work decided at the end of March to transfer me permanently to Jo’burg which suited me perfectly – closer to Master and far away from the drama that seems to permeate where I was. The complete fresh start that I had been looking for over a year ago… I guess everything does happen when it’s supposed to. I needed to learn that a “normal” relationship simply doesn’t work for me – I need more and that is something only He can give me.
Can’t believe it’s Sunday evening already… Wow, this past week has flown by! Ended up starting the new a bit sooner than expected since the previous job decided I didn’t need to work in my notice period…
It’s been awesome haha! Haven’t been able to say that about a job in a looong time – I’m sure it’ll eventually wear off but not to the point that I will like it’s killing me (well, maybe it will, who knows!)… Learning all the new stuff I need to know has been rather hectic but pretty cool at the same time.
Trouble is, it’s been SO hectic this week that I feel I have been neglecting my Master. To make matters worse, I am now sitting without cell reception for some reason (this will be posted later or tomorrow more likely*sigh*) so I haven’t been able to contact Him all day.
I really feel awful about it but I’m not sure what to do to make it up to Him.
Can’t wait for February since it is confirmed, I will be visiting! I just need to get my tickets sorted out. *insert cheesy grin here* Maybe I have been able to think of something to do for Him by then…